Estoy Aquí (I Am Here)
by Yanagawa Hanako
Summary: Set to the Shakira song Estoy Aquí, Tasuki is reminiscing about Nuriko after his death (Warnings: Shounen ai/ Yaoi, Ep 33 spoilers) Revised!


Estoy Aquí (I Am Here) 

Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Songfic   
Rating: PG   
Pairings: Tasuki x Nuriko   
Warnings: Yaoi, Angst, Semi-deathfic (Death occurs in series and not actually in the coarse of the fic) Tasuki P.O.V., sad 

Summary: Set to the Shakira song Estoy Aquí, Tasuki is reminiscing about Nuriko after his death, Song translation done by me and therefore is my property and is not to be used with out permission. 

*SPOILERS* Nuriko, episode 33, and everything in the series up to there is game too 

*NOTE* Personally, I think that hearing the song Estoy Aquí is really important to understanding the story, because it's not really a sad or slow song, it's actually pretty upbeat, It's almost a better break up song than deathfic song, but I think the note of hope it has works for this situation. You can find the song on Shakira- MTV Unplugged, and on one of her other CDs, Pies Descalzos (Dirty Feet) Or you can get from a music download thing like Kazaa or Morphius. Or if you want just holler and I'll send you the MP3

* Yet another NOTE* Sorry if I offend any native Spanish speakers with my translation, I'm not a native speaker or even fluent, but I could spend a day in Madrid and not get lost or embarrassed, so just realize I'm trying my best.  
Pues, Ahora a la historia!!! 

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(Translation revised 1/30/02)  
(Translation and content revised 5/05/02, I dare you to try and find a contraction that isn't in lyrics or diolague)

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_//Ya sé que no vendrás (Already I know that you won't come back)//_

Reality won't set in, it cannot, I will not let it, he cannot be gone, he said he would never leave me, any minute he is going to walk back in here and ask me why I look so sad, and then I will tell him, and he will smile and ruffle my hair and tell me that I am weird, then proceed to show me just how alive he is. But as much as I want it to, somewhere in my heart I know it will not happen. He's dead, gone, everyone else seems to have accepted this, and while their still sad, they are able to move on, I cannot, he was more to me than most of them will ever know. 

_//Todo lo que fué, el tiempo lo dejó atras (Everything that was, time left it behind)//_

Everything we had, it is all gone. Nothing will ever be the same. If I could just see him once more, watch him smile, have him hold me, to look into those expressive eyes, their color was so strange, no word can do justice to them, I suppose the closest description would be rose, but even that doesn't begin to describe them, so open, so pure, so full of emotion,... Aw fuck it, I am not a poet, and dwelling on things will not make it easier to accept the reality that the door is not going to open to reveal him perfectly happy and healthy. The reality that he's gone. It's as if the brightest light in the world was suddenly snuffed out in one painful sacrifice. 

_//Sé que no regresaras, lo que nos pasó (I know that you won't return, time has passed us by)//_

I loved him with all my heart and soul, he was the best thing that ever happened to me, he made me glad to be one of the Suzaku seishi. I already miss the way he used to hold me at night, and other things, I think with a grin, but it fades quickly at the remembrance that it will never happen again. 

_//No repetirá jamás (It will never repeat)//_

The few times I have opened myself to the others they encourage me to move on and forget. They do not know that he really was to me, except for Chichiri, who just keeps his silence, but I cannot move on, I cannot forget, I will never be able to let go. 

_//Mil años no me alcanzaran, para borrarte y olvidar (A thousand years will not reach to me, to erase you and forget)//_

I will never let him go, it is the most I can do for him, for us, for what we had. I would do anything to have him back, but all I can do is wait here until I can see him again. 

_//Y ahora estoy aquí, quierendo convertir los campos in ciudad, mezclando cielo con el mar (and now I'm here wanting to convert the fields to city, mixing the sky with the sea)//_

My thoughts float back to our first night together, he was crying in his room, and for some reason I comforted him, held him in my arms until he stopped and looked up at me with red rimmed eyes and a tear stained face, but still looking more beautiful than anything I had ever laid eyes on, and for some reason I got the urge to kiss him, to bring happiness to that sad face, so I did, and it was the best decision I ever made. The time we had together was private, but it was the best time of my life and now,... now it is all torn away from me, and I cannot stand it, anything, I would do anything for the time we had together back 

_//Sé que te dejé escapar sé que te perdí, nada podrá ser igual (I know that I left you to escape I know that I that lost you, nothing will be the same)//_

I fell like I am responsible, like I could have done something more for him, if I had been there, if I had been with him, maybe, just maybe he could have made it, even if I had died instead, at least the world would not have lost its greatest treasure. I squeeze my eyes shut to keep back the tears that seem to have been falling constantly since I found out.

_/ Nuriko, I hope you can forgive me for not being there...'/ _

//Mil años pueden alcanzar, para que puedas perdonar (A thousand years can reach to you, so you can forgive me)//

In attempts to curb the impending melancholia [1] I started digging through my bag. Bad idea, everything I see seems to arouse some memory of him, the brush he always made me force through my hair each and every morning, taking over when the tangles frustrated me. The stray feathers from the strange, hideous bird he won as a prize at the star festival, it was a cheap prize, it fell apart the next night, but I kept a few feathers, I do not know why, but now they're making me cry once again 

_//Estoy aqui quierendote, ahogandome, entre fotos y cuandernos, entre cosas y recuerdos (I am here loving you, drowning, amongst photos and notebooks, amongst things and remembrances)//_

There is a knock on the door, I just turn away and hope who ever it is just leaves, but the fact that I have no luck is once again shoved in my face as I hear the door creak open. 

"Tasuki?" A nervous female voice asks quietly. 

It is Miaka, damn, probably the last person I want to talk to right now, then again, right about now anyone is the last person I want to talk to. While most people would take my current state of silence as a hint to leave, not the Suzaku no miko, no never Miaka. I feel a hand on my shoulder, a confirmation of my earlier thoughts. 

_//Que no puedo comprender ( And I can't understand)// _

"Tasuki?" she repeats sitting down next to me "Are you all right? Chichiri wanted me to check on you" 

"I'm fine" I say turning myself further away from her so she cannot see my face. Obviously, she is not satisfied with my response, she grabs my shoulders and turns me around.

"Tasuki! Why won't you just..." she trails off and sobers up quickly, seeing my tear streaked face "Oh Tasuki,..." she says reaching to cup my face in her hands, I flinch away from the touch, just wanting her to go away and leave me alone in my misery. She will not, I know it, but trying is everything right? 

"Tasuki, What's wrong? Why are you just holed up here, I know we all loved Nuriko, he was our friend, but doing this won't help anything" 

I do not answer her, and she gets this pitiful sad look in her eyes like a puppy that has just lost its mother, a really strange not cute puppy, a puppy that REALLY wants an answer and the only way to make it go away is to mollify it. I shake my head and take a deep breath before answering. 

"He was more to me than you know"

_//Estoy enloqueciendome, cambiandome un pie por la cara mía esta noche por el día (I'm driving myself crazy, changing a foot for my face, tonight for the day)//[2]_

She seems puzzled by my answer, like she understands, but it does not quite register in her brain. I'm not surprised, most people, myself included would be confused by an answer like that.

"What do you mean by that?" She asks gently, as if she knows the ground she is treading on 

"That he was more to me than you know" I repeat flatly and her eyes widen in realization as she makes the final connection in her head

"Oh Tasuki," She cries, giving be a forceful, extremely unwanted hug "I didn't know,... I'm so sorry" 

"It's alright, I just want to be alone for a while"  
"Ok," She smiles, standing up, and placing a hand on my shoulder "I'll bring some dinner up for you later"

Then she just turns and walks quietly out the door, I admit, she is smarter than she gets credit for, but so was Nuriko, he always knew something interesting about everything, usually it was something quirky no one cared about, but I always did.

It's strange how losing someone makes you remember all of the little things you never thought of.

_//Y nada le puedo yo hacer (and there's nothing I can do)//_

And how much you want them back. I keep thinking of what I would say to him if I could just speak with him one more time, or send him a letter, not that he would be able to read it if I did send him a letter, writing has never been one of my strong points. But I keep thinking and discarding words I would say, stupidly of coarse, I will never get a chance to tell him, but running them through my head almost makes me feel like he can hear them, and knows how much I love him, and how much I miss him.

_//las cartas que escribí, nunca las envié, no querrás saber de mi (The letters I wrote, but never sent, you won't want to know)//_

I was so stupid not to tell him everything I felt, that is the thing I regret the most, I mean sure, he knew I loved him, and cared for him, but he never knew how deeply that love ran, I wish I could have told him exactly how much he was to me how he was my everything, but I was afraid that his feelings did not run that deep. But now that I sit here, reviewing all the moments we shared, I can tell he felt as deeply as I do, just through his actions, his expressions, the hidden meaning in his words, and I feel like an idiot for not seeing it before.

_//No puedo entender lo tonta que fuí. Es cuestión de tiempo y fe (I can't understand how stupid I was. It is a question of time and faith)//_

But I have to hold on to a hope, a spark of light in the darkness that has become my world that someday, some how we will be re-united, so many strange things can happen, that my hope has the possibility to be fulfilled, even if it takes a thousand years, I can feel that just maybe we will be together again. 

_//Mil años con otros mil más, son suficiendes para amar (a thousand years with another thousand more, are sufficiant for love)//_

I hope he knows that I am here, willing and ready to follow him if we do see each other agin, on of my worst nightmares would be to find him again only to face rejection, disinterest, hate, heartbreak and a million other things he could make me feel. 

_// Si aún piensas algo en mí, sabes que sigo esperandote (if you still think of something in me, you know that I follow, expecting you)//_

But I know through my fears and pain, all I can do is stay here, and perform my duties as a seishi, full-heartedly loving him, living with the pain of all the little reminders of what I had lost. But still loving him with everything I have and am, then maybe, just maybe love will truly overcome all. 

_//Estoy aqui quierendote, ahogandome entre fotos y cuandernos entre cosas y recuerdos y no puedo comprender (I am here loving you, drowning among photos and notebooks among things and remembrances and I just can't understand )//_

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Fin  
^__^.  
Well? Well? Se gusta? No se gusta? Se Encantan? Se,...AMAN? Diganme!!!!!!!!! (umm, in _ingles_ That's "Like it? Don't like it? Love it? REALLY love it? Tell me!!!!!!!!!")

[1] - Yes I am aware that Tasuki probably has never even HEARD the word melancholia, and with good reason, he doesn't speak English, oops that's not the explanation you wanted was it? Well lets just chalk this up to a moral: Never give Hana-chan a thesaurus... 

[2] - Translation Note: The line "Changing a foot for my face" is the exact translation, it kind of means that you're seeing things or that you're wanting something you know is not possible 

  
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